Perspective Study

Image via Wikipedia
A close friend of mine is also a third-year law student, in a school that is much too far away.  But he recently started devoting some time to keeping in touch with his loved ones via letter-like emails.  I say letter-like because these emails are not quick, one-off, largely superficial communiques.  (In other words, nothing like the kinds of messages I send in my desperate attempt to keep in touch with the many people I have been lucky enough to know).  Instead, his emails are substantial, deep, and theme-ridden.  And beautiful.  They're a pleasure to read and two paragraphs from the last one I received struck me particularly hard:

                                    Image via Wikipedia

Seems my life is covered in snow. Meteorologically speaking. This is the second time in as many weeks that we have had over seven inches of snow on the ground. I'm getting pretty sick of digging my life out of this goop. Guess it could be a metaphor for my life too. Snow is supposed to be pretty. Makes everything look better. But at the end of the day, its just heavy. And everywhere.

Take law school for instance. I'll be graduating with a J.D. in less than 4 months. I'll be a lawyer in 6 months. That used to mean something. More and more though, it just feels like an anchor around my neck. Everyone always tells me to count my blessings.

I have insane amounts of education. Good health, etc. etc. etc. But right now it just feels like snow.  Like something that's supposed to be pretty, but ends up just bogging everything down.

He's right, of course.  We are blessed with the curse of excessive potential.  I've come to learn more and more that the source of my discontent (which, in turn, is the source of my unfortunate personality modifications) is a disconnect between my expectations and my reality.  Recently I've realized that I react poorly to changed expectations, especially when the change comes from circumstances beyond my control.  I turn the blame inward, stress out about it for hours or days, and emerge at a whole new level of controlling/anxious/manipulative/depressed.

Image by psyberartist via Flickr

"Expectations Reversed"

Before I sound like someone you'd play a tiny fiddle for, let me explain that I know this "curse" is a blessing.  I might struggle for a few years, but I do have the tools succeed, eventually.  I have been railing against my own expectations because I feel entitled to have all the things that I want, but the reality is that I already have more than many people in this world ever will.  I don't belittle the work I've done; I deserve what I've managed to obtain for myself, both personally and professionally.  But while I may be entitled to earn my greatest hopes, I'm not entitled to have them handed to me.  At this moment, it's my job to make the choice that is right for us now, not the choice that I expected to be right when I started law school three years ago, or when I decided to go two years before that.

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Nemesis

 Caucas' via Flickr

Time has become my enemy.  The enmity between us developed slowly.  While we weren't friends First Year, there were no hard feelings.  Admittedly, we pulled some nasty pranks on each other during Second Year:  she snuck up on me before brief and memo due dates, I kept her guessing by refusing to sleep, etc.  This year, we are engaged in all-out war.

I provoked the conflict by belligerently occupying every
                  interesting-look ing leadership position I could get my hands on.  I
                                      have about 110 hours worth of work any given week, and if you do the math you can see that it's not a healthy habit.  I've been under siege for two months and peace talks are not going well.  And because I wasn't built with an unstoppable military-industrial complex under my skin, the home front is feeling the strain.  There will undoubtedly be more on the home front in other posts.

I can't surrender; fulfilling my obligations gives me pride and pride is precious these days.  But even I recognize that this is an unwinnable war.

              Rickydavid via Flickr
My only option is to find some kind of peace-with-honor.  I need to be content with doing the best that I can with the time that I have.  I need to minimize the time I spend alone, which usually only leads to sleep or television.  I need to manage expectations of the time I spend with others; group study time must be spent studying, and social time must be spent replenishing my overextended resources.  I need to focus on the tasks at hand until that task is over.  These are goals I have for the next few weeks.  

Time will always run out on me, but I can stop running out on myself.