Perspective Study

Image via Wikipedia
A close friend of mine is also a third-year law student, in a school that is much too far away.  But he recently started devoting some time to keeping in touch with his loved ones via letter-like emails.  I say letter-like because these emails are not quick, one-off, largely superficial communiques.  (In other words, nothing like the kinds of messages I send in my desperate attempt to keep in touch with the many people I have been lucky enough to know).  Instead, his emails are substantial, deep, and theme-ridden.  And beautiful.  They're a pleasure to read and two paragraphs from the last one I received struck me particularly hard:

                                    Image via Wikipedia

Seems my life is covered in snow. Meteorologically speaking. This is the second time in as many weeks that we have had over seven inches of snow on the ground. I'm getting pretty sick of digging my life out of this goop. Guess it could be a metaphor for my life too. Snow is supposed to be pretty. Makes everything look better. But at the end of the day, its just heavy. And everywhere.

Take law school for instance. I'll be graduating with a J.D. in less than 4 months. I'll be a lawyer in 6 months. That used to mean something. More and more though, it just feels like an anchor around my neck. Everyone always tells me to count my blessings.

I have insane amounts of education. Good health, etc. etc. etc. But right now it just feels like snow.  Like something that's supposed to be pretty, but ends up just bogging everything down.

He's right, of course.  We are blessed with the curse of excessive potential.  I've come to learn more and more that the source of my discontent (which, in turn, is the source of my unfortunate personality modifications) is a disconnect between my expectations and my reality.  Recently I've realized that I react poorly to changed expectations, especially when the change comes from circumstances beyond my control.  I turn the blame inward, stress out about it for hours or days, and emerge at a whole new level of controlling/anxious/manipulative/depressed.

Image by psyberartist via Flickr

"Expectations Reversed"

Before I sound like someone you'd play a tiny fiddle for, let me explain that I know this "curse" is a blessing.  I might struggle for a few years, but I do have the tools succeed, eventually.  I have been railing against my own expectations because I feel entitled to have all the things that I want, but the reality is that I already have more than many people in this world ever will.  I don't belittle the work I've done; I deserve what I've managed to obtain for myself, both personally and professionally.  But while I may be entitled to earn my greatest hopes, I'm not entitled to have them handed to me.  At this moment, it's my job to make the choice that is right for us now, not the choice that I expected to be right when I started law school three years ago, or when I decided to go two years before that.

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Paralysis and Positive Thinking

Trinity via Flickr

I have so much to do that I'm hyperventilating just trying to write down a list.  Instead of just plowing through my work, I'm watching episodes of Arrested Development that I've seen a hundred times, browsing fashion blogs, and laughing uproariously at Hyperbole and a Half.  (Ed. note: H&1/2 is a fantastic way to spend one's time.  If I had more of it, this would not be a problem.)  I feel emotionally paralyzed, unable to start my work even though I know I have the time, energy, and intellectual capacity to get it done. 

So I thought, If I can't summon the vigor to start any legal work, at least I can work on my blog!

But this isn't just an extension of the Dark Days post from earlier (uh-oh: two therapeutic posts in a row!), it's a follow-up with a little perspective.  So far, this blog has been mostly about complaining (albeit euphemistically called "confronting my weaknesses").  Today I'm going to talk about some success.

       via WikipediaMy best breakthrough is my relationship w/ the hubby.  The positive changes are due in large part to his efforts.  We'd been bickering a lot, about a whole bunch of different things, and he has taken the lead in diffusing those situations over the past couple of weeks.  I'd also like to congratulate myself on following that lead (I'm not usually great at avoiding conflict, even unnecessary conflict).  I've made a point to close my happy little mouth and/or retreat to a quiet room with a book rather than snip about something 

that truly won't matter to me in an hour.  I've also made a point to tell him how much I appreciate the changes he's made, because without those changes I wouldn't have had the opportunity to change my own behaviors.  Fighting less has made it so much easier to appreciate all the little things, too. It's been great.

via Wikipedia

On the financial front, I also cut down on the stress-shopping.  I went Black Friday shopping, and enjoyed it because I went with someone awesome!  I bought a couple of things for myself, but by and large I stuck to the gift list and I was proud of myself for that.  I got a lot of the Christmas presents out of the way and I'm really pleased with the outcome.  Hubby and I also paid off a credit card account in full this month, which is exciting.

Professionally, I branched out a little bit and contacted some firms in smaller markets.  I also followed 

          WilWheaton via Flickrup, and I even have an informational interview!  It very well might come to nothing, but it's the first semi-positive feedback I've gotten in a while and I'm happy to have it.  Also on the professional front, I stuck up for a colleague when I thought they needed sticking up for, and that made me proud.  In another professional situation, I owned up to a mistake, took a deep breath and figured out how to dig myself out of the issue.  

Personally, I've finished a solid post on this blog!  I can't underestimate the effect this project is having.  It facilitates my introspection and gives me a creative, productive, but non-stressful outlet for times when I'm feeling overwhelmed.  I need to remember to do this more when I am incapable of doing my other work; I have a long list of potential posts just waiting to be written, so I know that I could fill my "nonproductive" time with this and develop myself even if I'm not developing in other external areas. 

Listing all of these positive occurrences lifts me out of my paralysis.  I am still feeling stressed and overwhelmed, but I know that focusing on what my efforts have gotten me recently helps me to put more effort in.  On that note, I'll be going now so I don't waste this mood! 

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