Books and Their Covers

This is a quick post to record a thought I had today: When did we start labeling politicians as "D" or "R" in the media? 

It strikes me that the party designation carries a lot of baggage with each representative politician, regardless of their actual conduct, speech, or voting records.  It's a shortcut for the public, but taking shortcuts in this area may be a really bad idea.  One of these days I want to find out how that practice started, why it started, and whether the benefits outweigh the risks.

Of course, we use labels to short-circuit experiential judgment constantly, and the legal profession is one of the worst offenders.  Journal membership, clerkship experience, GPA, LSAT score, specialty bar membership... It all affords us an "easy" way to identify ourselves and sort each other into groups.  But knowing the resume-padding nature of many of these things, how do you boost their effectiveness? How do you convey their reliability?

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Of Omelettes & Eggshells

Let's talk about professionalism.  My law school puts a premium on it, and I truly believe that we turn out a better class of attorney.  That's why I'm here.  But no matter how genuinely the word is meant, professionalism can turn into a hollow shell that doesn't mean much to the students.  It takes a lot of reflection to construct a solid foundation of professionalism suitable for supporting your reputation as a lawyer.  Here's a small part of what professionalism means to me, viewed through the lens of a recent experience.

by Jeff Bauche._.·´¯) via FlickrA touchstone of professionalism is its separation from the personal.  The problem there is that as lawyers, we bring our work home with us and we live at work.  If you don't have friends who work with you, you probably don't    have friends.  And growing a crop of lawyers who have no friends and operate in an all-work, no-play universe is a terrible idea. 

To my mind, good fences make good neighbors--and the adage applies to the work/life line.  I learned a couple of hard lessons at the beginning of the semester, when I had to work with two very good friends of mine in a professional setting.  It's important for you to know that I have nothing but love for the two of them, and nothing but respect for their professional skills. I've worked with them both before and probably will again.  But this endeavor just didn't go too well.  I'm only going to discuss the lessons I learned about myself here. I'm not looking to criticize or call anyone out.

1st:  My definition of the professional/personal boundary is not everyone's definition of the professional/personal boundary.  

When I was at the professional table, I wanted to focus on the legal subject matter and the applicable facts.  I wanted the attorneys to work like hands on a Oija board, invisible--enabling rather than creating the solutions.  Perhaps that perspective was always unrealistic; I'm not experienced enough yet to know whether it's possible to work so unobtrusively.  What did become clear was that my vision didn't match that of all the other attorneys involved.  The other viewpoint was that as attorneys, we should push our clients in one way or the other.  And my unwillingness to push could have been interpreted as an unprincipled, stubborn stand meant to bully their client.  Obviously, it wasn't productive for anyone.  

2d:  Legitimacy in the professional setting comes from my own professional skill in expressing that legitimacy, not from the personal relationship I may or may not have with the person across the table.

I'm struggling to explain this paragraph without relating the comment from the other attorney that I took so personally.  Suffice it to say, at several points I made assertions which were true.  The other side may have felt they were untrue, or may have simply felt I wasn't trying hard enough to make the true statements on our side match the true statements on theirs.  When I felt judged as an attorney based on facts I simply relayed as a messenger, I took it very personally.  To me, it felt like a person who knew me well was telling me that they did not believe I had the requisite skill to be good at my chosen field...or worse, that I was purposely being dishonest and manipulative.  To the other side, it must have seemed like I was preaching about not taking thing personally and then expecting credit for my personal life.  I was very upset. Which leads to my next point...

3rd:  Being tired, stressed, hungry, and hurt will affect my performance.  It is extremely important to have a plan to compensate for my emotional state.

This project was two weeks long, and it went sour early.  Although the second week was salvaged and the "personal" problems I was having really did subside, I know that my performance suffered because of how upset I was about my interactions with the other attorneys.  I'd like to say that I've formulated a plan to deal with those emotions, but I haven't.  I'll be working on that for a while, I expect.

                         Image via WikipediaThis may be the first real ". . . and how I'm getting it back" post to make it to publication on lawschoolruins.  Writing down my less successful moments and recognizing that it was at least partly my own fault helps me realize that I can improve.  And that realization is nice, when faced with the very 

upsetting suggestion that you might not be good at what you spent the last three years training to do. You might not be good...but you can get better.

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Perspective Study

Image via Wikipedia
A close friend of mine is also a third-year law student, in a school that is much too far away.  But he recently started devoting some time to keeping in touch with his loved ones via letter-like emails.  I say letter-like because these emails are not quick, one-off, largely superficial communiques.  (In other words, nothing like the kinds of messages I send in my desperate attempt to keep in touch with the many people I have been lucky enough to know).  Instead, his emails are substantial, deep, and theme-ridden.  And beautiful.  They're a pleasure to read and two paragraphs from the last one I received struck me particularly hard:

                                    Image via Wikipedia

Seems my life is covered in snow. Meteorologically speaking. This is the second time in as many weeks that we have had over seven inches of snow on the ground. I'm getting pretty sick of digging my life out of this goop. Guess it could be a metaphor for my life too. Snow is supposed to be pretty. Makes everything look better. But at the end of the day, its just heavy. And everywhere.

Take law school for instance. I'll be graduating with a J.D. in less than 4 months. I'll be a lawyer in 6 months. That used to mean something. More and more though, it just feels like an anchor around my neck. Everyone always tells me to count my blessings.

I have insane amounts of education. Good health, etc. etc. etc. But right now it just feels like snow.  Like something that's supposed to be pretty, but ends up just bogging everything down.

He's right, of course.  We are blessed with the curse of excessive potential.  I've come to learn more and more that the source of my discontent (which, in turn, is the source of my unfortunate personality modifications) is a disconnect between my expectations and my reality.  Recently I've realized that I react poorly to changed expectations, especially when the change comes from circumstances beyond my control.  I turn the blame inward, stress out about it for hours or days, and emerge at a whole new level of controlling/anxious/manipulative/depressed.

Image by psyberartist via Flickr

"Expectations Reversed"

Before I sound like someone you'd play a tiny fiddle for, let me explain that I know this "curse" is a blessing.  I might struggle for a few years, but I do have the tools succeed, eventually.  I have been railing against my own expectations because I feel entitled to have all the things that I want, but the reality is that I already have more than many people in this world ever will.  I don't belittle the work I've done; I deserve what I've managed to obtain for myself, both personally and professionally.  But while I may be entitled to earn my greatest hopes, I'm not entitled to have them handed to me.  At this moment, it's my job to make the choice that is right for us now, not the choice that I expected to be right when I started law school three years ago, or when I decided to go two years before that.

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Introduction

So I'm LuckyLegis, and this is my story of redemption. 

via Wikipedia

I didn't cheat on my exams, either.

Ok ok, so maybe it's not as dramatic as all that . . . .  I didn't murder anyone, I didn't cheat on my husband, I didn't dent someone's car without leaving a note. But that's not the point.  

I came to law school with extremely high standards for myself.  Almost three years later, I have nigh unreachable standards for everyone.  Those standards have activated some rather unpleasant aspects of my personality: condescension, impatience, jealousy, insecurity (just to name a few).

We joked about the 3L bitches when we got here.  Now I am one.  Many people who know me will say I'm exaggerating, but then again I don't say everything in my head out loud.  I'm afraid only my closest friend (my husband) knows the half of it, and that's why I've started this blog.

Image by 丹涅拉 - Dani Gama via Flickr

You can see I'm kind of a hippie.

You can't fix the problem if you're focused on hiding it, and I'm going to air out my hideous little problems here.  On my best day, I'm still the person I was three years ago and I know I can get back to being that person all the time.  This blog is part of that journey.

As I acknowledge in this blog's description, I'm usually not going to talk about the professional aspects of law school.  I love the work that I'm doing; the work was never the problem.  The incidental influences of the work are what I'm worried about, and those are what I'll focus on.  I invite you to share your own law school experiences in the comments!  I've enable anonymous posting for just that reason, but you can of course disclose your own identity if you like.  I'd rather you not disclose anyone else's- this blog isn't supposed to be a video camera; it's supposed to be a reflection pool.

Thanks for reading!